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Good morning Austin Texas.

I’m pretty tired here as I get ready to be picked up for radio this morning.

Tiny Diatribe

Friendly tip: if you wish to engage in some sort of
activity with another person and you are asked to email the information that was mentioned in another way/shape/form (text, DM, FB, phone), rehash the conversation…reiterate the info. A message that reads, “want to do that show?” with no other sentences will get deleted. I am not a Hardy Boy. Here endeth the tiny diatribe.

hythrain asked:

The other day I saw your tweets about how a lot of the female empowerment message is mediated through guys. I agree with this completely, but I'm also concerned. Why? Well, I'm a guy myself and I want to be a writer. For years I've been improving on my writing of female characters and trying to make empowered female characters and spread that message. What are things I should avoid to make the message come out more properly and not filtered?



I often get this nagging feeling that because I am talking about women and female characters and female creators so much, people might think I automatically have something against male creators.

I don’t. Every new writer is a blank slate to me, everyone gets a fair shot. Everyone is capable of doing good work until they show otherwise.

The gender someone calls themselves doesn’t bestow any magic powers or insight or ability. Some of the best writers of female characters identify as male and some of the worst do not. I would rather read a Greg Rucka female than a female by a merely average female author.

The fact that this is a concern to you is a good sign. Hopefully, it’s not JUST women characters that you want to represent well, because there are lots of other groups that have historically been marginalized and stereotyped as well.

It’s just that historically, a lot of the tropes of female characters have been repeated so endlessly that it is painful to the female reader.

Some things I hope people watch out for…

1) The Perfect Everything. Often, we see guys write female characters as without flaws. This isn’t really what we want…look at the books that have huge female audiences. We do not tend to embrace the perfect woman who never makes a mistake. You can make your females have flaws, just be honest about it and avoid making them similar to stereotypes of the past.

2) The Character With No Steering Wheel. Even more often, we see women who have no agency and no direction or motive of their own. These characters are solely dependent on following a man. I am not saying never write this person, but keep in mind if that is a character YOU would enjoy reading about.

3) The Mystery Of Woman is Bullshit. I hate this trope, the woman who is supposed to represent what mysterious, sexy, tantalizing but unknowable creatures women are. It’s a staple of noir fiction, and it always sucks. Women aren’t treasure maps.

There’s a lot more but that may help a bit. Good luck!


Interesting. Like.

Horcrux Album.

Some people just want audio. So the album version of This Will Make an Excellent Horcrux is available. and on Amazon mp3. 

The $5 downloadable VIDEO of that show is still available from All Things Comedy at 

Here’s the thing: the DVD is from the Friday show and the CD is from the Saturday show. Much of the material is the same but the jokes are told a bit different because I am not a machine. If you’re some kind of completist you CAN spend less than $15 for both digital copies and compare and contrast those sets. Live it up.

If you are a hard copy kind of person you can get the DVD of Horcrux from my website, which has ONE bonus thing on it. You can also get a hard copy of the CD. Which is just the same as the digital but three dimensional.

All of these choices sold make it easier for people who don’t have $20. OR you can listen for free on XM or Pandora or Spotify though I’m uncertain how that all works.

If you want more comedy from Standup!Records he’s got an iTunes page. check it out!

All good. See you live one day, hopefully. Jackie

Toledo IA Green Gravel Comedy Fest day one

I freaking love this town. Right now I’ve texted everybody else but I’m having breakfast by myself across from the Designer Inn And Suites (7 fantasy suites available - tho no race-car bed).

Last nights shows, the first one at the theater was great but it seats 400 and so everyone was shuttled to Bumblebees to watch one comedy show after another. SO FUN! 8pm show, 930show 1130 show. Good pizza, free beer. I made it thru the first two shows…then hit the sack.

I’m pretty sure they all went and bonfires it up At the camp grounds. Today. Live dork forest at the Legion Hall. Heh. Fun!

Adam Richmond. Sure.

I’m a Minneapolis comic. I’m from Wisconsin but my home club is in Minneapolis at ACME. I work the road a million weeks a year and comedy staff are so good to me and a thousand other comics. They are always friendly to the comics, they take so much shit from the random toolbags of audience members who get too drunk, think they are “the funny ones” or think they are NOT out in public but are in their houses with their phones and computers watching television. 

In August I was traveling through MPLS  the week after Adam Richmond worked the House of Comedy in the Mall of America and the local comics were ALL talking about the how his week “went.” I was told some very basic things about the week by comics that were at the club, hanging/work that room and staff that know staff and comics that “know cops.” I was horrified and mad but I didn’t feel it was so horrible as to post about it publicly. I didn’t want to get into it before he was tried or it was public. I BELIEVE the staff member, by the way. Firstly, because we don’t live the fucking Crucible (whatever Ann Coulter wants you to believe) and secondly I’ve worked in this business forever. I know what I’ve done drunk and I’ve seen much worse done drunk around me for the last million years. Here’s what I was told: 

"The morning of August 4th Adam Richmond ( got arrested after fleeing the apartment of one of the waitstaff from the House of Comedy for attempted rape.

From one of the comics (guy in his 20’s) that was around the HOC that week I got this gossipy quote, “he’s gross. he kept asking me - where’s the chicks?” I kept thinking, we’re in a mall - the “chicks” are 14, I’m not going to be your wingman.”

From a waiter (guy, late 20’s) who knows the staff at the other club, I got this, “Basically, he tried to rape a waitress there. He was arrested at 5:30 am on Monday morning. Basically, the neighbors called 911, he fled and then they arrested him at the hotel. He lied to the cops about where he’d been so he’s getting charged with attempted rape and tampering with a witness. I know a cop on the force and he read the report and told me it said that Adam said to the woman, “You should feel lucky that I like you. I’m a comedian and you’re just a waitress.” There was contact…i.e. he didn’t rape her, but it seems he physically tried. That’s about all I know. And he was released on $100,000 bail. So he WILL have to go back to court, I assume. And in the meantime, he’s just doing gigs as he sees fit, I guess. Because nobody out in LA or wherever knows? I guess they will eventually. But the club is very hush-hush about this, bad press I guess.”

And the comic (20ish guy) that worked the club the FOLLOWING week said the manager said to HIM, “the waitstaff are a little twitchy this week. No weird jokes, okay?”

I came back to LA and checked his calendar and saw he’s working and no one knew. I told some women comics I know who work the Store, bc he’s there a lot, as a warning. I talked with comics, men and women, to ask if they’d heard. A couple had, most hadn’t and I got a lot of anecdotal stories of poor behavior to REALLy poor behavior.

Why weigh in now? Several reasons: Because there’s asshats out there that are clearly WORKING for his lawyer to scrub his reputation. Because the stuff listed in the police report That He Admitted were even worse than what I was told. Because everyone needs to be a little wary around the guy. Because even his merch and slogans are gross. Because he creeps me out and I’ve never met him. But, mostly, because I know hundreds of good, decent men; comics and non comics who get mocked for not being horrible to women. It’s hard to standup against people that you feel are funnier than you, or more successful than you and I wish to encourage it.

There are plenty of comics saying very funny things about his horribleness. A bunch of MPLS comics posted on the club he was supposed to work last week, Yes! Come see adam richmond and then linked various articles about the assault. When comics talk about his line to the waitress “you should be grateful I like you- you re just a waitress and Im a comic” has INSPIRED so much self deprecating WTF comments from Every comic. We’ve all reached a consensus that that is a VERY hacky rape-line. I’ve wracked my brain if I think this is gratuitous or slander or just a warning… I’m going with a warning. If he’s acquitted or convicted or the waitress drops the charges cuz “he was just kidding” he’ll still be around, shoving his crotch into the face of sitting women to be “hilarious.” Here’s a place to start for horrible articles regarding the case: At least I’m not plugging my new album, special, am I right?
FOLOWUP: June 17, 2014 Here you go: Adam Richmond found Not-Guilty.  It turns out, if you’re a drunk MAN and you shove yer junk into the face of an unwilling drunk WOMAN, that’s not illegal. Live it up fellas. 

bananarificbear asked:

Hi Jackie!! i see you will be in Hong Kong This Year! That is amazing! I was wondering if you need a translator. I have studied chinese for 5 years and am relatively fluent. I currently am looking for a job that will let me use my language dorkiness to benefit society. Thank you for reading this! <3Lauren

Hi… I don’t think I will but thanks so much!

Regarding this weeks TDF w Louise Palanker and iTunes of course. I get this kind of email from fans (not always from this guy and not every week; but from various ranger fans and re various eps. So great). These are excerpts from the email a nice guy named Ross sent me:

You might remember the Cowsills not just from “The Flower Girl”, but the title tune from the musical Hair(“Gimme a head with hair/Long, beautiful hai-air…”).
I, too, love melody & harmony. I miss being in a choir(although I will admit that a lot of choral music is more fun to sing than listen to); I did a tour of European cathedrals with my college choir back in Jan of 1981. Unheated cathedrals(so we all wore everything we owned under our robes, making us all look like singing, silk-covered balls that puffed steam from our breathing), the odd, muffled sound of a hundred old ladies applauding in mittens, getting thrown out of the Vienna Staatsoper during Salome, singing the Schubert Mass in G with the Salzburg Cathedral’s choir—amazing. I had my most transcendent musical experience in an Austrian cathedral; singing a Gregorian chant Sanctus set in lush, Romantic-era chords, we got to the final, gorgeous chord, and I swear I could “see”(like someone with synesthesia) the various parts like different color bands…

BTW, if you like poppy-hooky tunes, look into Marshall Crenshaw. Highly underrated, and a scholar of popular music, to boot.

Oh, Maggie Smith; watch one of her 60’s films(like The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie), or especially Neil Simon’s Murder By Death—playing a parody of the Nora Charles character from The Thin Man movies, she sports a white satin(or silk) evening gown for much of the film…Hell-oooooooo, Nurse!
Speaking of backup singers, that’s how Sheryl Crow made a living as a musician, while she was putting together her material for that great debut album.
Bacharach, you do know. Think all those ’60s Dionne Warwick and Dusty Springfield hits(among others), like Anyone Who Had A Heart, The Look of Love, Walk On By, This Guy’s In Love With You(Herb Alpert barely singing it), Alfie, (They Long To Be) Close to You, Baby It’s You, What’s New Pussycat?, What the World Needs Now Is Love, Wives and Lovers, Make It Easy On Yourself, I Say A Little Prayer For You, Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, Promises Promises(part of his score for the stage musical version of the Lemmon-McLaine-MacMurray film, The Apartment), One Less Bell to Answer(my favorite 5th Dimension track), and zillions more. Elvis Costello did an amazing album with him a few years ago called Painted From Memory, which is a song cycle about a marriage falling apart(don’t run—the songs are just ravishing, esp God Give Me Strength, which was used as the big breakthrough hit for Ilona Douglas’ fictionalized Carole Bayer Sager character—Bacharach’s ’80s wife & writing partner, of stuff like the theme from Arthur—in Grace of My Heart).

This was a fun ep(well, aside from the stuff about troubled teens, of course—wrong to call that part “fun”). I’d love to talk pop music with Ms Palanker. Sounds like we have many similar tastes.

I’ll let you get back to work, Head Ranger. Bye-bye, and Buy Bonds.

I’ve Never Wanted to YELP before

I won’t have the all-region DVD’s of This Will Make an Excellent Horcrux by April 1st, unless discmakers can do it. The short version of this is, I sent Noiseland Industries the wrong initial file to burn onto the DVD’s, caught the mistake, sent a polite but worried email to them and received no response. I sent the right file with another email. Still no response. 

On Friday I got an email from production asking if I was going to send a file. I panicked. What ensued was, 4 short emails asking if they had NOT gotten either of the files and did they, for sure, have the corrected file? No response. I sent 2 more abrupt emails to EVERYONE I had worked with. No response. I called all three of the people. No call. No Email.

Sunday I freaked out. The previous weekend, there had been someone at the office when I called, so now I (in the committee meeting in my head) thought they were ignoring me so they could make the wrong file so I’d have to re order. Not real. Not, probably, even thought of on their part.

I sent an angry email (swearing), I left an angry voicemail (swearing) and I tweeted at them in all caps. 20minutes later I, as is my policy, calmed down and sent a apologetic email, an apologetic voicemail, and an apologetic tweet. Still no response. 

This morning I woke to hope for an email, a phone call… nope. I got an email from the one production person at 11:11am (PST)  - which is 1:11 in Minnesota. SO… after a nice lunch they thought they’d deal with my, clearly, worried fears. Except all the email SAID was, essentially, we won’t be able to get you your dvd’s by when you said you needed them. we might be able to work something out… cool? 

NO. Not cool. I called her, tried to find out if she had the right file and she was dismissive, initially, “oh I didn’t listen to your voicemails, I don’t have time for that kind of thing.” Well. good for you. but you knew I was worried about something? Her, “yeah, but it’s fine.” You didn’t think you or Andrew V. or someone should call or email ME about it? Knowing that I was worried?” Pause. “Well, sorry but it’s fine.” Is it, I asked? Do you have the right master? Pause, “I have the one Andrew sent me.” The one with the Menu and the bonus materials? Pause. “I have the one Andrew sent me.” I sent him two. I sent him the wrong one initially and then the right one. Pause. “Well. I don’t know.” 

And it went on like that, me civil for about 3 more minutes, until it was made SO CLEAR she didn’t care, she thought I was overreacting to making sure the project was right. And now, the damn thing isn’t going to be done in time anyway. So I said, “Cancel it. I’ll go elsewhere. Destroy my other projects with you.” 

I was civil, oh, but angry, to the end. I’m happy enough about that. But I couldn’t BELIEVE how much she didn’t care. She didn’t even OFFER to have me “hold on” while she CHECKED to see if my order was right. I did customer service for a gajillion years. The disinterested “well, you fucked up.” attitude HAS it’s place, but not in the way I was asking for help. In this case, she should have CHECKED my order. No offer to do that. 

So, Noiseland Industries, Minneapolis MN… we are done. I make mistakes and I pay for them (My last album, It Is Never Going to Be Bread, I sent them the wrong master, they printed 1000 of them, I sucked it up. I sold them (they are gone and collector’s items now) with the missing TITLE track, God. An extra, track 7.5 tho. Different art that’s on the cover now from Stand UP! Records. So I know what it is to make that mistake, own up to it (so as not to fill a landfill full of my error) and move on. 

There was no remorse from this woman. She was a caricature of Minnesota Nice, Minnesota Passive/Aggressive and a person who can’t admit when THEY have made a mistake. 

So mad. At them. At myself for yesterday. And at the one man band of this damn career. Here ends the Vent. 

Line-up/Tickets for The Very First Green Gravel Comedy Festival


The heart of Iowa is going to get a pretty great comedy festival come Mar. 28th-30th with The Green Gravel Comedy Festival featuring Jackie Kashian, Ryan Singer, Kevin McDonald, Junior Stopka, and more.

Tickets are on sale now and we suggest that you get them ASAP if you’re planning on going (and you should be if you can).

I’m in this Iowa. Come on down!


I saw Cormac McCarthy & Ridley Scott’s “The Counselor” on a flight recently. It had been really poorly reviewed, but I wanted to see a film where Cormac McCarthy had personally written the screenplay, rather than written a screenplay-length book (No Country for Old Men) for the purpose of being…

The worst movie ever made… The Counselor.

HBO Go Launches on PlayStation 3


Hopefully, none of you chucked your PS3 for PS4’s too quickly as HBO GO is now available via your PS3. You can watch your favorite HBO comedies such as GIrls or Veep via your gaming console of probably the last few years.

Don’t get too excited though as you can’t just sign up for HBO Go on your PS3 without a subscription just yet because, well, actually, we don’t really know.

Uh…nephew Michael… I need some help here!

Jim Gaffigan’s New Comedy Special “Obsessed” Coming in April


Memorize this:
-Jim Gaffigan's brand new comedy special Obsessed will be airing on Comedy Central on Apr. 27th.
-The full, uncut album is now on pre-order on iTunes and Amazon.
-The CD/DVD as well as the download for the special for $5 will come on Apr. 29th.

Commit that to memory and then enjoy this preview of Obsessed because Gaffigan is the best and can still with jokes about food.

Oh. It’s gonna be great!

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